I realized a few years back, that I never really saw myself anymore in mirrors. I would glance at one and fix my hair or my clothes or brush my teeth, but I can't remember when I actually stopped seeing myself in the reflection.
The truth is I am fat. Nothing can change the truth behind that statement. It's not like I didn't realize it years ago, I just haven't really done anything to stop it. I have to change this. I used to have all these convenient excuses for why I was fat. Initially, I put on all this weight when I quit using drugs. I talked myself out of looking at the negative side of the weight gain. I told myself "At least I not using drugs." Then I told myself that my weight kept me from making poor choices with men. After all, not dating at all seemed better than dating another loser.
Today, I really saw myself in the mirror, and I don't like her/me. I fear I am becoming the caricature of the stereotypical fat woman. No matter how nicely I dress within the first half an hour of work,I have dripped something on my shirt. Nothing I own seems to fit anymore.
So it is time for a change. I am pretty sure that the only people that read my blog are my family so I feel that I can blog about whatever i want, even about the boring things. Tomorrow I'm going to take my camera and go for a walk, even if it's only a short one. And I am going to take a picture of something, anything and I am going to blog about it every day. This may get boring, but for right now. I am writing more for me than for anybody else. I have got to find a way to change my life, because right now. I just feel lost. Maybe it's just because it's April, and things are blooming, which of course means my nose is running. And maybe that chemicals in my body are out of whack because of the season and that brings on depression. Or maybe it's just because as far as weight goes. I've reached rock bottom. It's time to start climbing.
4 comments:
I'm very proud of you. I know it's difficult to put something highly personal on your website. I admire your courage and your honesty. And I don't think talking about honest things will get boring!
Love you sis! I'll support you in whatever you do!
I actually feel the exact same way at the exact same time. Weird huh? I'm planning on doing something about it as well.
Your braver then I am to put it out there like that! You go girl!
Steph
Sweet girl, Dad and I are in the same boat. He has taken it seriously and is walking every day. First day was inside and the next two have been outside. Take it slowly but surely. What flashed into my mind was "What about Bob" and the babysteps doctor. Remember. xoxo Mama
Love you soo much, It is easy to start but you have to keep trying, I need to keep trying to and quit making excuses. I tell myself, I have to make excuses to exercise instead of excuses to NOT exercise. I want to be at Natalie and Joy's weddings. I won't be if I let cookies have more importance than that goal...
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